Getting a cancer diagnosis can be one of the hardest things you and your partner go through. Every stage, starting with the first symptoms, then diagnosis, treatment, and follow-up can affect many parts of your life, including your intimate relationship. Having breast cancer may change how you see yourself or how you see your partner. You might face new and difficult emotions, and it’s not always clear at first how to handle them or how these changes will affect your daily life. Talking openly and honestly with each other is important so you can both give and receive support. But understanding these new feelings and knowing how to share them effectively isn’t always easy.
For most couples, breast cancer is completely new territory, so it’s important for both of you to share how you’re feeling and coping. You can’t expect your partner to automatically understand what you’re going through, and the same goes the other way around. They might not know how to best support you, which is why being open about your emotions, needs, and worries can help you stay connected. For instance, it’s okay to say something like, “I’m confused and angry and I don’t really know what to think right now.” Honest statements like this can help your partner better understand your experience in the moment. Be clear about the type of support you need—whether that’s emotional comfort, encouragement, help with daily tasks, or all of the above.
Make space for your partner to share their own feelings as well; research published in Frontiers of Psychology shows that caregivers of cancer patients are at a much higher risk of anxiety and depression. Keeping the conversation open can help you both navigate this challenging time together.
The physical and emotional changes brought on by breast cancer and its treatment are only part of the new challenges couples may have to face. Financial concerns, sexual dysfunction, and lifestyle and routine changes brought about by breast cancer can also generate friction between couples. Being able to talk about these associated aspects of a diagnosis in an open, productive way is just as important as being able to communicate about personal struggles.
Sometimes both relationship partners can unknowingly ensure that difficult feelings are not directly expressed. Couples are typically concerned with the possibility of overburdening the other person. Partners can be acutely aware of their partner's vulnerability and do not want to add to their burden with their own concerns. On the other hand, those going through treatment can sometimes be determined to "be strong" for their partners and therefore keep their struggles to themselves. As well intentioned as this can be, it can also put partners at risk of drifting apart because couples refrain from communicating about significant issues. Different coping strategies can lead to resentment and anger, which is the last thing you want to be dealing with during your breast cancer treatment.
Sometimes, your partner may seem distant or less supportive than you need. If communication has broken down and you feel your relationship is at risk, you can consider seeking outside help through professional counselling. A therapist who specializes in cancer and relationships can help you address challenges in a safe, supportive space and guide you in finding ways to work through problems together.
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