By Adriana Ermter
In our monthly column, senior writer and editor Adriana Ermter shares her personal experiences with breast cancer
When I first learned that I had breast cancer it was overwhelming and there was way too much information to take in and process. Basically, it was a complete upheaval of my new reality. The words: “you have breast cancer,” induced anxiety, depression, fear of recurrence and an uncertainty about the future—all of which significantly impacted my psyche and punched holes in my sense of security and well-being. I’m fiercely independent and typically like working through challenges on my own, but this was too much.
Yet, the thought of having to say that “I have cancer” out loud to my family and close friends wasn’t something I wanted to do. It made me feel like I was looking for attention. That’s because having cancer is surreal and warps reality. It was near impossible for me to wrap my head around. Sharing this information felt deeply personal and required me to be vulnerable, strong and courageous all at the same time. No easy feat. So of course, once I confided in my circle of family and friends, I wanted them to say and do the things I needed.
Well, it didn’t always work out that way.
Yes, some were truly amazing with their hugs, premade meals and words of encouragement. The flights they booked and the workdays they cancelled to support me through surgery, doctors’ appointments and treatment were incredible and I am forever grateful. Others, not so much. In those moments, which alternated between being dismissive, absent and minimized, I felt hurt and so, I shut down. I stopped reaching out and sharing, and I stubbornly refused to ask for their support. I don’t regret doing this; it helped me learn about new parts of myself. But I’ve since had time to reflect on why and how I responded to their behaviour. If I had to do it all over again (which I do not wish upon myself) I would do things differently, because I now know that other people’s reactions have nothing to do with me and my breast cancer journey.
Not everyone can or will respond with the empathy, care and support we need. Some step up, while others retreat. Either way, none of it is personal. What people say and do is simply a reflection of them, where they’re at in their lives, and their capacity to cope and respond. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or suck because it does. But there are ways to mentally prepare for our loved ones’ reactions, so that their responses don’t distract from the healing process. Because in the end, the only response we can control is our own.
Here are seven common reactions you may receive when you share your breast cancer diagnosis and how you can choose to respond to each one.
- Shock and Inaction
- Response: Some people freeze or fail to offer immediate support and are overwhelmed by the news.
- Why it happens: This response can stem from the person’s own fear or inability to process distressing information. They may not know how to help or they may be scared of saying the wrong thing, so they retreat and do nothing. A couple of my friends acted this way and later explained this and apologized to me.
- How you can respond: Offer patience and understanding. Acknowledge their shock, but also express your need for support. Saying something like, “I know this is a lot to take in, and there’s nothing you need to do or say, just please be here for me,” can encourage them to move past their paralysis.
- Minimization or Dismissiveness
- Response: They might downplay the seriousness of the diagnosis, making comments like, “You’ll be fine,” “Yeah, my neighbour had breast cancer and she said it wasn’t that bad” or “At least it’s only Stage 1.”
- Why it happens: This type of response can reflect a coping mechanism people use to shield themselves from fear. By minimizing the situation, they attempt to maintain a sense of normalcy and sometimes, to have the upper hand to avoid confronting the severity of the illness. Three of my relatives did this and I was so infuriated, I wanted to throat punch them. Instead, I was silent.
- How you can respond: I wish I’d said, “I’ve never had breast cancer before, so please understand this is serious and hard for me.”
- Overwhelming Emotion
- Response: Some might react with excessive emotion, crying uncontrollably or expressing more fear and anxiety than you yourself are showing. They might even repeatedly tell you how worried they are for you.
- Why it happens: This can indicate they are projecting their anxieties onto your situation. They may be reliving past traumas or have a low threshold for handling stressful news. Some like sharing how worried they are as a way of proving their value to you or, unfortunately, to turn the attention onto themselves. My mom often told me how worried she was. When I asked if she could think good thoughts instead, she reminded me that as my mom it was her right to worry. She’s got a point.
- How you can respond: While it’s important to validate emotions, you can also set boundaries. “I understand this is hard for you too, but I need positive and supportive energy around me,” is a kind and gentle reminder.
- Withdrawal or Avoidance
- Response: They might distance themselves, avoid conversations or even limit contact.
- Why it happens: This can stem from a deep discomfort with illness and mortality. They may be struggling with their own fears or feel unequipped to provide support. They may not reach out frequently and when they do, they don’t ask questions beyond, “How are you feeling?” before moving onto a different topic of conversation. My dad was a bit like this, and I get it, I’m his kid. So I kept my updates short, sweet and facts based.
- How you can respond: If that doesn’t work for you, try a message like, “I miss having you around,” to help you reconnect in a way that feels meaningful.
- Inappropriate Humour
- Response: Making jokes or light of the situation in attempt to deflect the seriousness.
- Why it happens: Having a sense of humour is a great thing to have during a breast cancer diagnosis. That said, using humour as the only or primary communication can be a defense mechanism to cope with uncomfortable situations and it can come off as insensitive.
- How you can respond: Redirect the conversation by acknowledging the intent but expressing your needs. You may want to say, “I know you’re trying to lighten the mood and please, keep making me laugh. Right now, though, I need to talk seriously with you.”
- Questions and Curiosity
- Response: They want to understand to better support and help you.
- Why it happens: They want to learn to understand and find solutions. I’m like this. I like learning/understanding; having information feels like I’m in control. I also realize my millions of questions can be annoying.
- How to Respond: When someone is curious it’s a wonderful thing. Still, you don’t have to share everything if you don’t want to. You can try saying, “I appreciate your concern. Let me explain what I know so far.”
- Offers Immediate Support
- Response: They come to your appointments whether you ask them to or not. They bring pre-made dinners, fill your ears with entertaining chatter, join you for reruns of Below Deck, feed the cats, pick up dish soap, do the dishes and read books while you sleep.
- Why it happens: Being there makes them feel supportive. I get this because I’m like this and being busy on someone else’s behalf makes me feel like I’m helping.
- How to Respond: Let them. Let them make dinner, sit with you during chemo treatment, tell you about their crazy co-worker…all the things. These people are golden, so all you really have to say is, “Thank you. I appreciate you.”
Understanding others’ varied reactions is crucial for maintaining your sanity and coping with your breast cancer diagnosis. For those who offer support, express your gratitude and lean in. For those who withdraw, recognize their reaction stems from limitations and are not a reflection of your worth or the significance of your experience. Not everyone will rise to the occasion and that’s okay. By preparing for different responses, you can foster understanding and support from those around you.
Adriana Ermter is a multi-award-winning writer and editor. Her work can be read in Sotheby’s Insight, Living Luxe and IN Magazine, as well as online at 29Secrets.com, RethinkBreastCancer.ca and AmongMen.com. The former Beauty Director for FASHION and former Editor-in-Chief for Salon Magazine, Childview and Figure Skater Fitness magazines lives in Toronto with her two very spoiled rescue cats, Murphy and Olive. You can follow Adriana on Instagram @AdrianaErmter.
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